A Guest Post from Brandon

Later after I defeated the giant beetles and saved the earth, I had to save the earth again. Because somebody knocked the killer ants into radioactive toxic gas, transforming those ants into super ants. So I, alone, had to fight the super ants. Noticing a beetle trying to dig into the earth’s core and blow up the earth, I caught that beetle and made him fight the ants. It seemed like it was forever. Second after second, minute after minute. Hour after hour. I fought and then I had to fight the queen ant. I got my ecno-plasma gun and fired its ecno-plasma destroying blow-up bullets. The queen had a force field and tried to trap me. I was too smart. I took a pencil and – phhhhttttp – into the queen ant. And then after that, we went to go get a meal and the waiter accidentally bumped a hole puncher into radioactive toxic goo. To be continued . . .

Bar Exam Index

Harper’s Magazine publishes a “Harper’s Index” in each issue that offers statistics on dozens of items, usually sobering, make-you-think-twice subjects such as infant mortality in third world countries, government pork barrel spending and other challenging social issues. Below is my personal index on my preparations for the bar exam. It is meant to be a lighter, but honest index and is in no way statistically accurate or researched very thoroughly.

Average daily Dr. Pepper consumption: 4 cans

Jars of Nutella consumed by me in past month: 3

Pounds gained from non-stop stress eating: 10

Hours wasted on internet research of “Missouri Bar Exam” and creating pretty statistical charts in Microsoft Excel of the past 10 years of Missouri Bar Exam questions: at least 5

Times per day that I check my email: 20

Honest attempts at finding a job: 1

Times I’ve broken out in a cold sweat after thinking about Commercial Paper, Secured Transactions and Trusts: 6. No. Wait. 7.

Times per day that I watch an installment of “Elmo’s World” while holding the cutest 2 year old you’ve ever seen: at least 1

Number of times the boys have eaten macaroni and cheese for any of the three daily meals in the past two weeks: 5

Times that I’ve fallen asleep while reading administrative law: 2

Number of prayers offered pleading for mental stamina: at least 100

Number of prayers offered for a winning lottery ticket so that I don’t have to take the bar if I don’t want to: 2

Number of lottery tickets purchased: 0

Number of times that I’ve needed something at Trader Joe’s* just so I can drive the car and listen to the radio: 3

Number of times I’ve gone out in public without makeup: at least 12

Number of times I’ve gone out in public without brushing my hair (ponytail): at least 20

As you can see, I’m falling apart. I hope to hold it together long enough to find my way to Jefferson City Monday night, find the right hotel, check in and not oversleep the next morning for the test. Then I’ll just have to hold it together long enough to do 10 essay questions and write a brief (or memo or closing argument or a letter to a client or whatever the bar examiners decide to torture us with). And then, of course, I’ll need to make it back home Tuesday night. In one piece.

*Trader Joe’s is a cool grocery store full of fresh, organic, soy-based, gluten-free, free-range, multi-cultural, sugar-free food. It is home to multiple jars of Nutella (a hazelnut-cocoa spread that I eat right out of the jar) and the pork potstickers that made Chris so sick last week.