Interview with a Groundhog

In honor of Groundhog’s Day (p.s. happy birthday, Brent and Brian!), we have a very special and rare interview with Punxsutawney Phil, the official Groundhog’s Day spokesman:

Me: So, Phil, how are you doing? Today was your big day of the year – predicting another 6 weeks of winter for the nation.

Phil: Yeah, I’m doing great. Thanks.

Me: Tell me about this prediction, another 6 weeks of winter; do you ever feel bad delivering that prediction instead of an early spring?

Phil: Well, really it’s all in the individuals’ perspective. You know, I just deliver the prediction. Whether or not a person wants more winter or an early spring, I can’t be concerned with what people think; I just deliver the prediction. I don’t worry about what people think anymore.

Me: You mean there was a time when you worried about your predictions?

Phil: Yeah, the early years were pretty rough. At first, I was just yanked out my hole one day a year and all these people were there and the flashbulbs – I was so confused. I didn’t know what was going on. Once I figured it out, though, then the worrying started. I couldn’t handle the pressure. What would be more popular, you know: more winter, early spring, I was really trying too hard to please everybody and the pressure was just incredible.

Me: What do you mean, you “couldn’t handle the pressure?”

Phil: Well, the fame and the celebrity, you know. It’s hard. I was going to parties, hosting events, hanging out with the wrong people. I was partying pretty hard. The pressure to make a popular prediction . . . just too hard for a young groundhog to handle. The partying was getting out of control. I was staying up all night, going to one party after another. One morning I woke up in the dumpster of a Burger King with my nose pierced and a tattoo of a squirrel on my chest, and I and thought, “Dude, how did I get here?” I decided then and there to straighten up and take my job seriously. I called my manager from the parking lot and went straight to rehab.

Me: And we are so glad you did. Many people look forward to celebrating Groundhog’s Day every year.

Phil: I was a little bummed this year, having to share the Groundhog’s Day weekend with both Mardi Gras and the Super Bowl. I mean, it kind of diminished the focus of my work; people are more concerned with football and parades than my shadow this year.

Me: That’s too bad. I bet that doesn’t happen too often. How about your competition? General Beau Lee down in Georgia predicted an early spring this year. Does it bother you that you have competition and how do you feel about his conflicting prediction?

Phil: The General and I go way back. We used to party together but once I got out of rehab, we just drifted apart. I didn’t party anymore and he always wanted to go out, so we don’t socialize anymore.  We don’t always see eye to eye, but honestly, with global warming it’s getting harder and harder to adjust our predictions to the changing weather patterns. Or maybe the General had a hangover from the night before. It’s hard to tell.

Me: So global warming is affecting the methods you use to predict the weather?

Phil: Oh, yeah. It’s a big issue in the groundhog community. I was really disappointed in our leadership denying that global warming was actually happening; so much so that I almost went to Washington myself to dig holes in the Rose Garden to protest their position. I’m glad to see more people becoming concerned about our planet.

Me: Me too, Phil. Thanks so much for your time today.

Phil: Thank you.

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2 Responses

  1. This has to be one of your best yet. I was laughing so hard tears were flowing!!

    You ought to publish this.

    dad

  2. I agree with dad! You are so funny!

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