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A (Hypothetical) Conversation With Santa

Santa: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, little boy! Have you been good this year?
Little boy: Yes, sir.
S: Of course you have, little boy. I have your name on the ‘nice’ list! Now, what do you want for Christmas?
LB: I want a Thomas the Tank Engine!
S: Oh, sorry, little boy. I guess you didn’t hear about all the recalls this year.
LB: What’s a recall?
S: Well, that’s when something is wrong with a toy and it has to go back to Santa’s Workshop to be fixed.
LB: What’s wrong with Thomas the Tank Engine?
S: Thomas the Tank Engine got painted with the wrong paint.
LB: You mean he’s red instead of blue?
S: No. He’s toxic instead of non-toxic.
LB: What’s toxic?
S: Toxic is bad.
LB: Why did the elves paint Thomas with bad paint?
S: The elves didn’t paint Thomas with bad paint. It’s complicated.
LB: Who painted Thomas with bad paint?
S: I outsourced some of the toy-making this year and it just didn’t go well.
LB: What’s outsourcing?
S: Well, it was cheaper to get the toys made overseas. Those elves – they want a ‘living wage’ – I have to provide toys for every good kid on the planet! Do you know how many toys we have to produce every year? I can’t afford to employ elves to build all those toys! The health insurance alone is cost prohibitive. And they want dental! Anyway, come on, little boy – what else do you want for Christmas?
LB: How about some Diego toys?
S: Sorry, can’t do that either. They’re toxic, too.
LB: Elmo?
S: Nope.
LB: Magnetix?
S: Recalled.
LB: Aquadots?
S: Soon to be the next big street drug.
LB: So what toys do good kids get this year?
S: Um, I’m working on that, kid. I’ll get back to you. Here – take a candy cane. Smile for the camera, kid. Ho ho ho!


2 Responses

  1. santa i have beeen so good this year i want loads of games for my ps2 my nintendo ds my nintendo wii and my x box love jess

  2. talk santa i am so bored i cant wait for christmas

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