Warning Letter to Baxter

April 3, 2007

To: Baxter
Re: The Family, Plaintiffs v. Baxter, Doberman Pinscher

Dear Mr. Baxter,

I represent the plaintiffs in the above captioned matter. This letter is to inform you that we are well aware of your destructive, careless actions of the past few weeks. We are formally asking you to cease and desist from destroying any more household goods, furnishings or appliances including, but not limited to: socks, tennis shoes, assorted leather shoes of varying sizes, pillows, pillowcases, blankets, shirts, Elmos, books, carpet, rugs, kitchen towels, cell phones, articles of underclothing or any other object or item that exists within or attached to the family home.

Your failure to cease and desist from your destructive behavior will result in further action against you. I must remind you that the punishment for repeatedly destroying household items is death.

I cannot stress this point enough for your own well being: stop eating things that aren’t in your food bowl. The food bowl in the sunroom contains the only approved food for you in the house. Socks are not food, as you found out the other morning when you threw one up. We don’t want a repeat of that rather disgusting scene. It renders the sock completely useless and leaves the second sock without a mate. It is a great waste of resources, especially when food is amply available for your consumption.

We hope that you understand our position concerning the household goods and their unavailability for digestion. It will be quite unfortunate if we have to pursue further consequences in this matter.

Very Truly Yours,
Melissa

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2 Responses

  1. I do hope Baxter will be afforded all of his due process rights, including his right to assert the “puppy defense” strategy? It’s a doggie world out there!

  2. I have some tainted dog bisquits if you are interested. It may be a way to for him to pay his damages.

    …Here little Baxter here’s a dog bisquit for you. What! It has tainted flour from China in it? And there you have it, a case for paying his damages. Of course it may not cover the expense of renal damage and doggie diapers for the rest of his natural life, but it may replace the elmos and the sock.

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