Tips for Panhandler Guy

The following is a completely politically incorrect letter directed to Panhandler Guy. It is definitely not in the spirit of Christmas, good will, or warm fuzzy feelings. It is just an observation of life.

Dear Panhandler Guy,

I saw you last week standing on a street corner in a futile attempt to collect money. Please consider the following helpful hints in order to increase your take:

1. Pick a better street corner. The one you chose happened to be a very busy intersection with stop signs and no sidewalks. You want one with stop lights, that way the cars must stop for several seconds instead of the rolling stops most people do at stop signs. If you must choose one with stop signs, try to get one where you can ask pedestrians for money, too. Sidewalks are your friend.

2. Next time, don’t write on cardboard with red marker. I’m not colorblind, but the red on brown combination is fatal to getting your message across. I couldn’t see any writing on your sign. Would you work for food? Down on your luck? Jesus coming soon? Hurricane victim? I couldn’t tell what you were trying to communicate. Remember: big, bold, black.

3. You were standing on the left hand side of the road. Big mistake. Most people here in the states drive on the right side of the road. Of course, your argument is that the driver’s side is on the left, but people will not be tempted to roll down their window to hand you money if they think you have to cross oncoming traffic to get it. I don’t want to be responsible for luring you into the pathway of a Hummer with a one dollar bill.

Hope these tips are helpful in your pursuit of assistance.

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