Metal Detector or a Neat Way to Meet Women?

I have to pass through a metal detector (and a barrage of officers) everytime I enter the building where our hearings are held. It’s a nice symbol of homeland security, but I don’t think it’s really effective.

For weeks, I’ve been passing through without causing the machine to beep. Two days ago, I went through in the morning with no problem. That afternoon, the machine beeped. I had absolutely nothing different from that morning, save my stomach contents from lunch. The officer at the machine smiled and waved me through. Yesterday, it beeped both times I went through it.

And also today. As I approached the detector the officer grinned and said, “Let’s see if you get through it this time.” I said, “It’s probably going to beep since I’m wearing my boots today.” (My boots have a zipper.) Sure enough, the machine beeped and for the FIRST TIME, the officer asked me to step to the side so he could “wand” me. He “wanded” my boots and his wand beeped. He said, “Yeah, you’re right. It’s the boots.”

As I walked away from the table, I started to think about the “wanding.” He only wanded me from the knee down. I could have been brandishing any number of metallic weapons, hidden in the waistband of my skirt, under my jacket, strapped to my back, or in one of those nifty thigh holsters.

Secretly, I think the officer has messed with the metal detecting ability of the machine to beep with everybody, and he can make the excuse to “wand” whoever he wants: the ladies, suspicious foreigners, gangsta-types. Just one way to make a boring job more interesting.

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